We all want the same thang

"We all wanna live, we all wanna learn
How to love without getting burned
We want to be loved, are we good enough? "
-Tila


Tila Tequila - Striper Friends lyrics

All my stripper friends
All my ex-boyfriends
We all want the same thang
We all want the same thang
Parties in the bar, reaching for the stars
We all want the same thang

Doesn't matter what you need to get you through your day
If you buy it, or just sell it or just give it away
It's the same at the end of the day

Doesn't matter if you pray or if you stop praying
Sounds are spinning in your head, and they just won't stop playin'
It's the same at the end of the day

All my stripper friends
All my ex-boyfriends
We all want the same thang
We all want the same thang
Parties in the bar, reaching for the stars
We all want the same thang

We all want the same thang

Doesn't matter if they care or if they don't care less
You got your finger on the trigger of your favorite black dress
It's okay at the end of the day

Doesn't matter if you're open or afraid to fall
All that matters is that you stay true to who you are
It's okay at the end of the day

All my stripper friends
All my ex-boyfriends
We all want the same thang
We all want the same thang
Parties in the bar, reaching for the stars
We all want the same thang

All my stripper friends
All my ex-boyfriends
We all want the same thang
We all want the same thang
Books in this small town, balla's all around
We all want the same thang

We all wanna live, we all wanna learn
How to love without getting burned
We want to be loved, are we good enough?
Yeah yeah

All my stripper friends (you like that? )
All my ex-boyfriends (yeah)
We all want the same thang (uh huh)
We all want the same thang (same thang)
Parties in the bar(hey), reaching for the stars
We all want the same thang (we all want the same thang)

All my stripper friends (hey)
All my ex-boyfriends (we all want the same)
We all want the same thang(we all want the same thang)
We all want the same thang
Parties in the bar (hey), reaching for the stars
We all want the same thang

Pain

THREE DAYS GRACE LYRICS

"Pain"

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain


TIMBALAND LYRICS

"Apologize"

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

Getting out of Dodge

When you tell people you aren’t from here, one of the first questions, one of the key questions is What brought you here? They want to know what event could have been so strong that you would uproot yourself and travel to a new place with new people and basically a whole new life. What was so utterly wrong with the life you left behind?

My answer: Everything.

For months this was the song that became my personal anthem.
On Your Porch (Acoustic) Lyrics
Artist(Band):The Format
I was on your porch,
The smoke sank into my skin,
So I came inside to be with you,
We talked all night,
About everything you could imagine,
'Cause come the morning, I'll be gone,
And as our eyes start to close,
I turn to you and I let you know,
That I love you.

Well, my dad was sick,
My mom she cared for him,
Her loving nursed him back to life,
And me, I ran, I couldn't even look at him,
For fear I'd have to say goodbye,
And as I start to leave,
He grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough,
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years,
I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if its alone."

So now here I sit,
In a hotel off of Sunset
My thoughts bounce off Sam's guitar,
And thats the way its been,
Ever since we were kids, but now,
Now, we've got something to prove,
And I, I can see their eyes,
but tell me something, can they see mine?
'Cause whats left to lose?
I've done enough,
And if I fail then I fail but I gave it a shot,
'Cause these last three years I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if it's alone,
(Even if it's alone)
Even if it's alone.

I was on your porch last night,
The smoke, it sank into my skin.
Another song that I found strongly connected with:
RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

My old boss called me the other day. We talked for 40 minutes. He was concerned. He asked me how LA was, because even though I have repeatedly told him I live in Orange County and there is a HUGE difference he still refers to it as LA. It’s a subliminal message of guilt for what I said I would do, and that’s pursue a career in photography and the film industry. He thinks my progress is slow. And it is, because my priorites have changed. Or rather my view of my priorities has shifted. My priorities have always been the same. Do what makes me happy.
That can include any number of things including but not limited to stability, proximity to the beach, love, career in photography, money, friends, a warm hug, family.
Up until now all I knew was that living in Phoenix made me unhappy. And that living in California would give me some happiness. I had literally spent 11 years crying to get out. And now I’m out.
But people wanna know why. A friend of mine recently left California in a similar tone. Though their move was based on a girl. They were so done with Califonia, they looked for escape, and they found a girl far away to escape to. Only that’s a lot of pressure for a relationship to withstand.

I didn’t move at a relationship. Though I knew I would never find one in Arizona. And yes that’s part of the reason I left. Not because I think the guys out there suck. Not because so many of them hurt me. And certainly not because I think that a higher caliber male exsists here over anywhere else. In fact, as my old boss pointed out to me, a girl like me with nice Midwestern values could be eaten alive out here in “LA”. There the competition is unrealistic, the timeframes short and the attention span even shorter. Where divorce reins high and every man I meet has a kid or 2.

So how would I know when I found what I was looking for? I often asked myself the question too. Especially after Keith. I really lost my footing. Everything I thought I had found was lost. The only thing I have known since him is that I hadn’t found what I was looking for. In love or life.
California was the step in my life I was waiting to happen. And looking back of course I wish I hadn’t done so much waiting. But everything sits where it sits in its own place and time, for a very good reason. No matter how many questions my mind raises about God, exsistence or any of that crap, deep down in my soul I have always believed in a plan. That what’s right will happen and what’s not will simply fade away. But that is not to say that I don’t believe I have a very strong hand in that plan. We make or break our own lives. Its up to us to make the best of what we are given. And on that front I do wish I had done better thus far.

But here I am today. Still waiting, but it’s a different kind of waiting. I’m searching for my next clue. To be found here in California. Watching and waiting for the next adventure to ensue. And silenting wondering about the adventure mapped out in front of me, and if its meant to be part of my own plan.

Fiercely Loyal?

This Weekend I've been in Phoenix Arizona. The Purpose: to kill a four day weekend and spend some time with some dearly missed friends.

I set out for the city of heat about 2pm on Thanksgiving Day. No I didn't have any dinner to be at. So I opted to use that time as travel. I arrived in town tired hungry and wondering why I was here. This city and I don't exactly get along after all. I fled from it just 10 short months ago. I set out to start a new life and leave the old phoenix life behind me.

Jim asked me a few days ago if there was a man in the picture around the time I left. He seemed to be implying or questioning if I left to get away from a man or a relationship gone bad.

No, there wasn't one man, nor was there just one reason for leaving. I was living in Phoenix, just dreaming of someone else. I was looking for much more than Phoenix could ever offer me. Lush landscape, towering trees, soft blades of grass, a vast ocean, filled with surfers riding the waves. I dreamed of opportunities career-wise. I dreamed of the betterment of self. And I dreamed of that California boy that I was sure had been there waiting for me my entire life.

My love affair with California troubled my relationships in Phx. I was detatched, deeply depressed, lonely and frustrated. Jamie sticks out as one of those people who pointed it out to me that I would never get married and find happiness in Phx, because my heart just wasn't in it.

Jamie was someone I met years back, how many I just can't think of right now. Maybe 2004? When I met him I was instantly infatuated with him. I liked everything about him. The site of him made me swoon. But he would have none of that. He kept me at bay. Flirting, but never allowing me to indulge my romantic feelings for him. One of his reasonings at the time was, he was in love with Phoenix, and he was not leaving. But I already had one foot out the door. I was just too afraid to jump at the time. Frozen in fear I was afriad I would lose my footing. So a couple more years dragged on.

I dated loser after loser, had heartbreak after heartbreak and it all just felt so much like a waste of time.

CJ told me when I moved out of her house that I should just go then, she said my surfer was waiting for me.

I didn't listen, I couldn't. As bad as I wanted it, I just didn't have the vision to make it happen, even with Jeremy rooting me on.

Men, lets elaborate on this topic for a bit. Let's see, there was Don. . . A pure picture of heartbreak that dragged on and resurfaced and then dissapeared. There was Jeff and Kris, which was really just Jeff. . . Kris being a side-effect, and a not so healthy one at that. He was my rockstar badboy who I knew was bad news, but I should have known he would never let it work when his parrot attacked me.. he only wanted me for the entertainment of my "rolling bar". Wow that was fall 2004. I remember because I was taking ceramics at MCC. I remember that call towards the end of class. .. To this day I still don't know how I could have handled my run in at the rock show. I was just so pissed that he cornered me and was so cool, and over it. ..and I wasn't. Its so easy for him, but I had my heart ripped out and stomped on.

Then there were the dates, creepest guy alive, Mr. twin, mr. lockup, mr. married but lied about it and then I had to get a phone call from an angry wife of a dude I had already dumped at 5am on a Sunday ... hmmmm You know what's funny about that? He called me several months later like nuthing had happened. I texted him back Fuck OFF.

I hate drama ...

There were those that ended up as friends, like Jamie, Richard, Ryan, Scott, Matt.

There was the heart I supposely broke. Mr. Ryan. I still look back and question, if I could have loved him the way he claims me loved me? The answers is always in my eyes, impossible. The spark just wasn't there.

Then there is looking back on it all, one man that echoed in my head around the time of the move. But He's a strange fish, and theres just a lot of unresolved anger there, but it stems from financial heartache. The fucker was a con-artist. 30% of a large loan is not enough of a payback... I still think about keeping tabs on him just so when Tom gets out he'll have someone to visit ... not a nice visit. But try as I might I'm just not like that. He he's good at eluding me anyhow.

Let's back up to where the real heartache first began. Keith. It all goes back to keith doesnt it? And he knows it. I haven't heard from him in a long while. For the longest time he actually tried keeping in touch, but he let that fade away.

I suppose I can respect that hes a family man and he has family obligations. And that was our demise. Truth be told I wonder if that was really it. Because he dated 4 girls after me, before he went home to his wife in NY. (He was separated when he met me. I was not the other woman, I was not the reason for his seemingly dissolved marriage. ) I was however not to be his second wife after all. The divorce papers though delivered, were never signed.

That was 6 months of hearthache over him. And a lifetime of heartache over the relationship I lost.

And then my life unravelled. I met a man named Steve. No I didn't love him, but he showed me who my true friends were. And Marisa was not one of them.

The Format, A mess to be Made

In a dream that i cant seem to shake she is, she
is standing alone by the fence i see tears in her
eyes why she crys i just Dont know what a mess
that i make of my days then theres you, youre a
mess to be made, a mess to be made and the dream
Starts to fade away so youre leaving for months at
a time, i help you out the door but once youre
gone i just stare out the Window please, could you
please come back home what a mess that i make of
my days trying to save myself, save myself then
Theres you, youre a mess to be made a canvas only
paint could change and a voice on the other end of
the phone, says why Dont you write a song about it
[ Lyrics provided by www.mp3lyrics.org ]
well here goes, i was raised on something that
youll never know id hate this place if it Werent
for the waves if it werent for the fact that you
love it where they measure a man on the money he
spends well my love Is not a bank statement what a
mess that i make of my days trying to save myself,
save myself then theres you, youre a mess To be
made, a mess to be made, a mess to be made and the
dream starts to fade away

Jimmy James and stuff

Jimmy James, that's what I am going to call him until I decide which name of his to pick, and I went to see Saw 4 last night. I knew Mr.Walburg was still in the game!!! I kept wondering, whatever happened to that cop? Well this movie answered that . ..

This series really could go on forever. I mean really think about it. At what point to they HAVE to stop? They don't. As long as they and find characters with issues, and there is no shortage there, they can keep making these exessively gory
movies. They need a new twist though. Which I admit, so far they have been very good at.

So the evening started by meeting Jimmy James at TGIFridays. Reminds me of the days when I'd go with Sara and the gang for appetizers and drinks.

Good times.

I had a big mean, and the ultimate hawaiian volcano. It was fruity and yummy. He has sam adams beer, it was some "special" kind though. Seasonal I think ... He made me try it, yea it tasted like EVERY beer I have ever had. .. He was dissapointed in me. LOL.We ate, drank, and then he got desert.

One interesting thing though, on his way over to the resturant when he was walking to the door apparently a couple of chickies pulled up to him and asked him if he was single. ... he said no. :)

Apparently the incident traumatized him a little though, apparently the chickies were creepy. LOL

Awww. .. my babe.

Then we walked over to the theatre, did a little shopping at virgin records on the way and then headed into the movie. Cuddled up next to him the whole movie, and jumped at least 3 or 4 times. Closed my eyes about 6 different times. All in all the movie was pretty good. Time frame was annoyingly confusing, but other than that.

So we went home and watched Eddie Izard and fell asleep.I miss him, its only been a few hours, but I miss him. I want him around all the time. *sighIhave photos of him up at my desk and when I get bored I will space out and look at his photos. There is one where he is looking at me sideways. . it makes me smile, cuz I know how sly he is sometimes. I feel good when I am with him.

Problem though, he started smoking again. I know he wants to quit and hopefully he will, but with his anxiety now is not exactly the best time to quit something that calms his nerves. .. Granted he doesn't smoke that much. Like 2 a day.

We sent out fliers for the housewarming on Nov 10th. Offically announced now ...
I invited some people from work. A few said they would show already. I am hoping a couple more will too. We need to get the house into shape, put up some frames. We wanna get a ping pong table for the backyard. We've been looking on craigslist.

I wanna get a new bike. My old one's gears are screwed up. We rode to the beach last saturday morning and the ride was way too much work. Lea bought a cruiser and let me ride it part of the way. Soooo much easier. But I want a mountain bike. I saw a pretty pink one at target ....I might get it. Dunno yet. There were lots of surfers out last Sat. Should probably bring my cam next time we go. We are going to try to make it a habit to ride Sat mornings.

The dude that sits in the cubical next to mine, Drew, shaved his mohawk a few weeks ago. ..I dunno who I told that, so I thought I would announce it. He looks good with a buzzed haircut. But the mohawk was cool.

My friend's Michael and Beth, their baby has her first birthday. Her name is Bryce. Shes a cutie. I took photos at her party, got her a cute little outfit in pink and brown from old navy.

I want kids. In the next 3-4 years if possible ... *sigh who knows.

Jimmy james seems pretty happy with the idea of dating me, but he so far will not commit to a full blown relationship. BUt he bought me dinner, the movie. He bought me cottoncandy when we went to knotts scary farm. He talks about the future, he texts me everyday, sometimes just to see how I am doing. He kisses me when he sees me and often.

BUt I know he is holding back. I know he is waiting to see what happens. I feel like he's waiting for a sign or a problem or something, I dunno what. Its kinda killing me a little that I don't know when we'll move to the next phase, however I am enjoying this one. We've been seeing each other 1 month .. . Time flies and moves slowly at the same time.

It's cold at work ... Grrrr

So on and so forth

My Days are not without their sorrow, their worries, their problems, complications or arguments, HOWEVER I cannot ignore the many positives around me.



A job, that pays me every 2 weeks, steadily the most I have ever made on a consistant steady level. I don't worry about enough hours being AVAILABLE. I am simply EXPECTED to work the full 40. My check every other week is more or less the same, unless I work OVERTIME.



Financial Security takes one monkey off my back.



Could I be making more money, yes. And someday I will, but for now this works, it certainly works much better than my other 4 jobs since I moved here



Friends. Being roomies I generally always have someone to hang out with, Lea. Best friends since 7th grade, no one knows me better, and honestly that in itself can cause conflict. But at least when we do argue its short and we resolve it quickly. We agree to disagree and we do our very best to be sensitive to the other's concerns. The bottom line is we both look out for one another. Its nice to know there is someone around to lean on.



House, umm, waaaayyyy better than the apartment. We love our house. Of course its not without its problems, for instance the ghost that lives with us likes to mess with our lights, but that aside you can beat parking right outside the door. Not walking 3 flights of stairs, or the collection of heat that comes from living on the 3rd floor. Not to mention bike riding to the beach every saturday morning to watch the surfers has a certain appeal.



And last, but far from least there's the man in my life. Jim. Or as I prefer to call him, James. The moment he walked into my life I knew there was something different about him, about this time. I've been on the best behavior of my life. I've finally met a worthwhile man. He's intelligent, funny, sweet, adorable ... When I am away from him and think of him I get butterflies in my stomach, I smile and I blush.



True he isn't mine to keep just yet, but the feelings that this man is it, the right one, its overwelming. I have no questions on my side.

Just Handsome

I have some photos of handsome ...

Handsome, Isn't he?

We went to knott's Scary Farm last night with Lea and Charlie (James and I) Ok ok so is it James or Jim? I'm hanging on the James, but everyone calls him Jim. . .

Did I mention he drives a blue truck? I love his truck.

The mazes were great fun, I yelped and screamed the whole way just like I always do, only this time I had a hand to hold and a man to hide behind when I got scared. Though he mostly shoved me to the front.

Then there were the chainsaw guys ... whom he invited over to say hi ... yea I think that was the loudest I have ever screamed.

I had such a good time last night I've been smiling all day. :)

When its Right

If you hold onto something too tightly you may lose it. If you don't hold onto it at all you will lose it.

The trick I think is to appreciate and acknowledge, but to step back and allow some breathing room. Allow said object to come to you on occasion.

As a child I would constantly chase our family dog. It annoyed the crap out of the animal and thus avoided me at all costs. But my sister pet it when it was around and ignored it when it wasn't near her. So most of the time when it ran from me it usually ran straight to her.

Maybe that's an issue I've never been able to shake. Wanting soo bad to hold onto something or someone I care about, but then to only drive them away because of it.

I think about these things daily. Because I don't want to repeat past mistakes. Especially when I finally find something or someone truly worthwhile.

Self doubt, curiousity, mistrust. These are obstacles in my path that I try very hard to push from my mind and remind myself of this very simple idea:

Just live your life. What will happen, will happen. What is right, will be. You can't force anything, and worrying does no good at all.

Release the negative thoughts of doubt, and mistrust. And trust one thing.

If its right then its right.

And Fear Sets in

Its been 23 days since I met this man, and 99.9 % of it has been pure unrivaled joy. Early fears were squashed momentarily. But now they've come back.

We make an unstoppable team. I feel like he's my missing piece from my puzzle. He's the man I always knew was out there. But like anything even if you know in your heart its right, it doesn't always mean it will end up that way.

The only doubt I have at this point is not from my own end about him. I have no doubts at all. So few doubts in fact its scary to think just how sure about him I am.

But I suspect on a level he's trying to deal with, he has his doubts about me. The one big doubt that could in fact make or break my chances at keeping him.

Lip quivering, I try not to think about what I could lose. I try instead like hell to focus on what is right now. He's here, he's trying, he's willing to give it a shot. But there in the distance, hard to tell how far or close hangs the end of me.

But he likes me, he misses me, or so he says.

I need distraction. These worries make my head spin and ache. I wish I could go home and lie down.

Finally, A real man

Ok ok, so I was off the mark with Johnny. While not ness. a bad guy, turns out he's Just not THAT into me. That's ok. It was rough at first. I felt the world come crashing down on me because I let my hopes get too high too soon.

But here's the crazy part. I was feeling down, forcing myself to forget. And I said the words time for a break. I was back to the let's not date anymore for a while until we figure out what my problem really is. And then the craziest thing happened.

randomly and casually I click someone I think to myself, this cat will never pick up on me, but oh well. And we match. I assume he's another flake, but email him anyway. His friendly response throws me offgaurd and before you know it he's texting me every half hour.

I make a date to meet this man on Sunday night. Much anticipated we chat nonstop up until the date.

Simple starbucks and a cozy chat. By the end of the night he has me hypnotized. He's 5'8, just the height I like em. He's the the facial hair combo I always dream about. He wears the RIGHT shade of jeans. He loves the outdoors, he drives a TRUCK, he loves hockey with a passion and he knows his way around a canon 20D. He's definately a dog person, he's as corny as they come and goofy to boot and I love every second of it. If you were to write a 2 page description of the ideal Californian mate for me I think you'd be describing him.

He's so good it scares me. I don't find myself begging for attention, he gives it freely.

I don't know for certain where this is going. And I am trying my hardest not to close my eyes too fast. But the breeze is so heavenly up here on cloud 9.

I'm telling you this one, he really could be ... no I better not say it. I've seen this scene a thousand times before. Played out by the played out. A twist for suspense. A happy ending never to near in view.

As I told Johnny, it is what it is. But so far folks, its heaven on earth.

You wanna see this new man? Ck out the myspace. try reddstarr at the end f the link.

Earth Girls really are Easy

I loved that movie back in the day, and Julie Brown and her song "cuz I'm blonde". It's just funny, and kinda true. . .

So I have been listing my stuff on half.com for years now, but recently every time I get a sale I have to cancel it because I can't find where I put all the stuff I wanna get rid of, at least not the ONE the the person wants to guy.

Well The other day I get a sale notice for my Earth Girls Are Easy soundtrack. And I realize, I don't think I ever loaded it into my itunes and listened to it. So today I grabbed it and brought it with me to work to listen. Man the 80s ... crazy times. The songs are so funny. I do love that cuz I am blonde song though. Gotta be one of my favorites.


The B-52s man, I didn't even know they had OTHER music. Still sounds like Love shack though. Crazy 'Shake that Cosmic thing'???? Wow ...

The thoughts that run circles in my head

'And I'm tired of being all alone and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home'

-Second Serenade

I often have hypothetical conversations in my head, day dreams of what ifs and if onlys. Working out the whys and hows of why and what I'm feeling.

I'm tired of being able to predict how things are going to end. How about a suprise for once. How about something works out for once.

I'm tired today. I got more sleep too. I need to print more photos to put up in my cubicle. I am bored with these. I need more stuff for my desk too .. to keep me amused. And suggestions?

What is a man thinking or do I care to know?

A girl in the office today recieved flowers ... *sigh I'll give you a hint, it wasnt me. ..

Its just one of those days for me. One of those days where I remember that I am alone. And I have been for most of my life. And I will be for a good long time. This isn't something that's going to change anytime soon.

It just sucks to be reminded. A pit in my stomach today. A burning in my eyes.

In Between

Linkin Park- off the minutes to midnight- In Between:

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come, the only thing that's than worse then none is one.


That's a good slow song. I was impressed. I also love Bleed it out, but that's a fast energy song.

Truth's substance is abstract to me in these times until confirmed and then I dont want to know it even then. To be blissful and truth elusive is fine by me, just allow me my momentary happiness, its so few and far between. Like commercial breaks in the tv show of my life. I look forward to the seconds captured solely for me.

I keep vomiting words hoping something of use comes to light. Keep thinking there is something I can say, that will make things clear, but I talk in circles and I just keep talking and nothing is discovered. Just more words and more words and more words and more words. I spin in circles to the rythem of the music I stummbled upon.

'I was born to tell you I love you and i am torn to do what I have to to make you mine stay with me tonight.' -second serenade

that band is a trip and I can get lost in it. A laberinthe of words I want to believe in.

Renting movies for worlds to escape to, listening to music to trap myself inside my own head. All hands inside the cart, the engine reevving getting ready to speed away.


Attention to spare, to spend on me. I dont need cold hard cash or diamonds rings, just some quality time and attention.

Song's on repeat again, on my ipod, in my head, even when the earbuds come out I still hear the words. I bleed it out. ..

Reinvention

Its feeling like that time again. reinvention. Time for yet more transformation. Time for more change.

With the discovery of this song by second serenade I am firmly cemented in my feelings that Johnny has added to my life. whether he stays and continues as a love interest, or whether he fades away with time like all the rest, whether abruptly , suddenly, just as likely or if its slow and at a constant rate of speed.

I cant help it. I think of Brian and keith. Each for their own reasons. I think of Tom too.

I remember what love felt like. Its such a vague feeling to me now, but i still recognize it and know what it is if it comes. At least i think i could recognize it. I want to. . .

The music is moving my soul, reminding me who I was, who I am and who I want to be, who I aspire to be, which is me, but in what form and capacity is the question to answer.

The mean could be lost for all I know

A thousand more words to write, a thousand more tunes swirling in my brain.
Feelings left unexplained
This song represents me
represents how I feel today
how I felt yesterday
How I will feel tomorrow
How I will feel until he sweeps me off my feet
How I will feel until these problems are resolved
How I will feel when my life changes next

The next fork in the road
the next sharp turn that I wont expect

I drive thru life in my daze and forgetting to change lanes when I approach my exit

I hate doing things twice
I hate losing ANYTHING
whether it be a moment, a dollar, a friend.


The tears swell inside my eyes, but they dont run down my cheek.

Stubborn tears lay in waiting, reminding me of the sadness that engulfs me, but lays in wait.

Papa Roach
Second Seranade
Daughtry
Paramore

these are the bands with me today
keeping me company
soundtrack to my thoughts
accompanyment to my keyboard clicks


'That's what you get when you let heart win'
'It was never my intention to break'

'Second chances they dont ever mattter people never change. Once a whore you're nothing more I'm sorry that'll never change'

'Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable'

'Looking at my reflection I don't like what I see so i ask myself a question, do I got what I want do I got what I need?'

'Am I failure if I've got nothing to lose? No Im not a failure I've got something to prove'

'I tear my heart open I sew myself shut my weakness is that I care too much and the scars remind us that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel'

'Dont break me'

Longing for romance
Jealous when you can see it in front of you but cant have it for yourself

This moment of feeling

Dont tell me about other loves
Dont make me wait for just one moment
Dont lead me to a path that I am not supposed to take
Dont show me what I cannot have
Tired of the game
tired of the maybes
tired of promises that wont be kept
So tired of the lies I can't see

The music plays in my heart for you
I've never been so certain, so determined
But still I am at a loss for the how

The kind of guy I could fall in love with
the kind of guy that I think could last forever
Build the kind of life I've always wanted
With the kind of man I've always wished I had.

The Symptoms

The symptoms of a heartbreak, or of the knowledge that this could be it.

I worry myself because I refuse to loosen my grip. Tear shed daily at the thought that I could be wrong or right.

Less is it about knowing that this has to work and more is it about knowing that'd he'd be the one. He would be. He could be. But is he? That's the part that gets fuzzy. Because I want so badly for that to be the truth. That he is, and this will work and I won't be forced to re-read passages from he's just not that into you and I will find my way toward that life that I imagine is mine.

Complete with late night snuggles, breakfast staring across the table at his wide eyes. Enjoying the same album play over our livingroom speakers. Summer F0-hawks for the kids, photographing father and son laughing and rolling around on summer days in the yard.

Tender moments, funny moments, getting thru the rough parts together. A partner in hand, someone to keep a smile on my face during my darkest hour.

I feel strongly about this. I feel this connection with him. And I don't know if he feels it too.. I feel there is a lot more to learn about him, and I am always in a hurry to find these things out, because like a bandaid, if it isn't right, the sooner and faster its ripped away the less I will remember and the less the pain will be.

So Dear God, If this is indeed the wrong man for me then please dont string me along. Let it be known to me and obviously that he is indeed wrong.
One more heartbreak, I don't think that I could take.



On his myspace he posted lyrics from a band called Second Serenade. Beautiful song called Vulnerable. Look it up, its worth a listen I promise you that.

I went surfing with Adam on Saturday. That is to say I got up, drove 30 miles to San Clemente, loaded up the boards, headed to the pier, suited up and walked into the ocean with my board in tow . . . and let the waves crash into me.


Its an emotional time for me I can feel it, and I cant control it. With the fighting, the yelling, the frustration and the expectations, the money, the men, the work, the job, the career, the family the vacation, the socialization, the old friends the new ones, arizona and the prisons. I'm feeling locked inside my own prison, but in a paradise that I have always dreamed.

And I can feel myself temmble in fear or failure, frozen in the worry that I will drown if I move too quickly or too slowly. But if I hold still then nothing can touch me.

I'm thinking too much again I can tell, but I can't help it, I've been left alone to my thoughts again. And my actions only verify them.

I need a good love story right now. Thats something I've been lacking.

So there I stood in the ocean. A bottle of mixed emotions I began mixing the salt of the ocean with my own salty tears. A bottle rocket of emotion and strangely at peace. This was exactly where I needed to be. I didn't have to be riding my board at this moment in time. I could feel the sun on my face and the water rush against me. And that day, that was all I wanted and all I could do.

Walking on Cloud 9

He's 6'2, on the skinnier side,tatooed and wide-eyed. He has great hair, comedic timing, eloquent speech with a vast vocabulary and a sense for what word to use and when. He's adorable and his smile could easily melt my heart.

A self-proclaimed dork, all I saw was the charasmatic free spirit with the ability to laugh at himself and not take things too seriously. Bad habits he's got, but excuses he doesn't. He has a life philosophy that I can get on board with.

His explanation of religion is by far one of the best I have heard and easiest to agree with. He seems well versed in everything and to have the knowledge to reference his sources with ease.

He's charming, not pushy, respectful, sweet and did I mention he's adorable?

Mind you this is all just so far, after one date.

But to give you an idea, this date was so good, it has moved me to tears. Maybe I'm just going thru an emotion phase in my life's cycle. Lea knows I sometimes break into tears when that house rebuilding show is on with Ty. Still, there is real emotion behind it.

I have not been on this good of a date since.. . *sigh Geez. I mean. Damn I dunno. I mean this guy at this point is set up as the same caliper as Keith and Brian. And for anyone who knows, those were 2 of the 3 men I even considered the IDEA of marrying. Seriously anyway.

Normally I would try to calm myself down, remind myself this is one date with a guy who obviously knows how to woo a woman. This in no way means he's permanent or even short term. But I willing, at this point, to take it as it comes.

This will probably hurt more if he leaves, then when Dirty left the 1st time.

He's 28. He has a steady job, with a company he seems to like. A job title as funny as my own.

He has colorful stories to rival my own. And get this, we can agree on what is good music! He's hyper, did I mention the smile that I couldn't stop staring at? I haven't had butterflies this hardcore in years! Throughout our date I didn't think once of how sick I've felt lately with the shit that's been happening.

Dinner at Islands, you know how I roll.

Drawbacks: he lives about an hour away. Sadness, we met in the middle for dinner, Brea.

If you want to know more about him you can see for yourself, just look on my myspace friends list. His display name is Dub. I'd put the link, but I don't have access to myspace at work.

Distraction

I'm having one of those days, the kind of day where there is no such thing as good news, and there's a heavy knot in my stomach in the place of where the anticipation and excitement for life should be.

I have a date tonight. This is a good thing. Afterall social interactions are always a bonus, but while I am excited to meet this person and conversate with them my head buzzes with the negative things that I cant seem to let go of.

Lea and I have both been super stressed over this move. Financially a move is never easy. Mentally when people screw you over just because they can you are reminded of why the human race can sometimes suck.

I hate comtemplating the negative, I just want to be happy. I just want others to respect me as I would respect them. I want people to care about others and not intentionally hurt them the way that I have been hurt time and time again.

I am one of the lucky ones in many respects, but still in other ways there are those that mistake my kindeness for weakness.. There are those that would take advantage of my kindness and then turn around and stab me in the back. The lowdown sneaky types that surely will have karma come knocking on their door to kick their ass. Surely in the court of karmic balence the one that judges will see the injustice and find a way to even things out. But even if life isnt fair I HAVE to believe that in the end my kindness, my generousity, my willingness to continue my faith in the human race, isnt all for nothing.

Still rolling off my back isn't as easy as I wish it could be. With my bank account numbers echoing in my head, punishing me daily I wonder how am I going to stand up for myself next time, so this doesn't happen again? How am I to protect myself? Should I never trust a single person ever again? Crawl deeper into a selfish ball and unlearn the basis pre-school concept of sharing?

Losing all faith in my instincts and the human race. Wishing I could cut myself off from those who would hurt me, those who would see me fail.

It occurs to me I might need more than mild amusing distraction to get over this bump in my road of life.

It urks me to no end that I work so hard at being honest, having integrity, and being kind to my fellow humans, when others don't care, don't repect, lie, cheat and even steal to make their way thru life.

I guess the word bitter has come up a lot. I can't help it. Finding a way to get rid of this feeling is not easy. I certainly dont want all this negative energy. I never asked to be walked on.

I suppose there is no answer simplier or more direct then to just let it go. Forget it, move on and find another cause to stand for. Because the only person this harms, is me.

Music for the Soul and Beyond

I got to work early this morning because we dont have cable at the new house yet and I have been missing Rock of Love. Yes, I love this show. And I don't know why. Maybe because I love rockstars. I like musicians and have dated a few. No one famous, no one you would know, but they were all musically inclined. And that's a trait I can appreciate.

After I watched my episode highlights and ate my bagel I clocked into work and set up some VH1 radio to keep me awake and alert. Music often enhances my mood.

There were a few bands reccomended to me that I wanted to ck out, so I looked them up:
Paramore
Flyleaf
Against Me
and some new stuff by:
Linkin Park


I love Linkin Park and their song Bleed it Out. OMG LOve it! I love vocalist Mike Shinoda. And I love the mix between him and Chester Bennington. I think the combo is killer and its what makes them strong as a band. Wow, gives me chills.

But I discovered something else while I was checking out my reccommendeds. Pat Monahan "Her eyes". I dig that tune as lovey-dovey as it is. I mean I am a chick, so why wouldn't I appreciate a tune written by a man who obviously loves his woman.

*sigh.. .

A man who loves his woman. What a thought.

Music can change my mood so easily, my thoughts, my direction. Some days I go thru my work day with no music at all. I listen to the conversations around me and get lost in my own thoughts and my life's To Do list. But when I listen to music I get lost in IT.

I still love the Amy Winehouse song Rehab. Her voice is just cool. I love her style, too bad she's an addict, but who isn't in that industry. A select few it seems like some days.

Engagement Rings

Lea and I were packing the kitchen last night and I got on the subject of engagement rings, because a few weeks ago Gary (my supervisor at the photo lab) and I got into an argument about them.

I insisted that the cost of the ring had nothing to do with deciding what my future love should get me, if anything it should be inexpensive. My logic was I am low maintenance and I don't like big expensive flashy things. And I would rather that money be spent on a car, truck, honeymoon or anything else you can think of. But a little tiny ring? that I would hate wearing mind you if it were too big, too heavy, too sharp or too flashy.

Gary argued that I should not sell myself so short and started spouting off about about its a symbol of love and the thousands of dollars should be spent minimum.

My problem with this is that unless the reason for the expense is pure quality and design I will be pissed. If my future love buys me a ring that I hate because he thinks the one I want isnt expensive enough then that fucker doesnt know me at all. And why should I marry a man that doesn't know me well enough to know when I say I want something you better damn well get the one I want and not some overpriced flashy thing that some stuck up rich fat cat would wear. Loving me is knowing that I like things simple. I'm no hippie, but I don't need diamonds and pearls and fancy cars and mansions. .. granted I would like a 2008 titan fully loaded and a house with a pool and big bed rooms and at least one room for my office and one for my studio with an awesome landscaped yard with a miniture forest in the back to get lost in. I wouldnt turn down a big screen tv or a shopping spree to the mac store. And I know how to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes, believe you mean I can find ways to spend that extra money he saved on the ring.

I want a nice, simple, modest, elegant ring. the thinner the band the better, just thick enough to last thru the years, and diamonds small round and the least obtrusive the better. I value design much more over karat. And I value the effort put in and the thought put in by my man soooo much more than anything else some rich fat kat would slap on some snobbish woman's hand.

I value time, thought. I try, when I can, to deemphasis the material things. They are just things. I can't be bought. And my husband should know and respect that.

The New House

So we think we got our new house. We move in tomorrow night, well STARTING tomorrow night. We have till the 14th to get out of our apartment.

I dread moving and also am looking sooooo forward to it.

Its a lot of stress because I have a lot of stuff I need to get rid of, but a lot of it is worth money, so I need to sell it off. But how much is worth moving?

I need to downsize A LOT.

I think I am finally going to sell my drums after all these years. I should have probably sold them long ago.

The new house is pretty sweet, although its a little small for my tastes. Its 4.5 miles from Huntington pier. We'll be sooooo close to the beach. I'm siked about that.

Its a little further from work, but more of our friends live up that way, so we'd rather have it that way. We will probably carpool once we get moved.

We plan on having our first party in the new place either the end of this month or the beginning of next. Just depends on how quickly we settle in.

Work is alright. Slow and boring, but I find ways to amuse myself. I started putting up photos in my cubicle and its already caused a few people to come over and talk to me. I plan on putting up more though.

The new house is 4 bedrooms, 2 bath. A nice size backyard, but no pets allowed. ..:( this saddens me, but perhaps its for the best.

I still dream of the day when I meet Mr. right and we get a house together and maybe a dog ... and then eventually start having kids ... *sigh.

I miss my niece. I think of her often. My cubicle is covered with photos of her.

New Job

I started work last week for a company called USRES . (Not too exciting, you can see what it is by going to www.usres.com)

I sit at a cubicle all day from 7:30am to 4:30 pm and listen to my ipod and photoshop (crop, sharpen lighten and sometimes slightly color correct) photos of Foreclosed properties in order to make into a PDF for the clients. Making a PDF is easy ... I click "make PDF" and the computer does the rest.

Its slow right now, so there isn't much for me to do. It can be really boring, but there is a young dude who works in the photo department with me sitting in the cubicle next to mine. His hair is bleach blonde and is in a mohawk about 3 inches high. His name is Drew and he seems pretty mellow other than his hair. Not unfriendly, but I haven't really socialized with the coworkers yet. For the first few days I wasnt even sure I was staying, but now that the offer from Pictage has come in and its laughable I have decided to stay here. Pictage may have been more fun (casual dress and photoshopping weddings) but the pay was sad and the shift was going to be 4-midnight and the work was seasonal! NO MORE SEASONAL JOBS!

At least not full time seasonal. I need stability in my life. In a time in my life when men are flakey and I am moving every 6 months and I never see my family, I need something I can count on ... like a paycheck.

I hate to say its all for the cash, but when you live in Cali and you have any kind of debt at all, you gotta find a way to as much coin as you can. I'm hoping that by having a stable form of income I can destress and start to get my life back on track financially. Work on me first, then hopefully everything else will fall into place.

I live in Cali, have a decent job, a cool roomie and I haven't been all that depressed since I have been here. The weather is just nicer here. I still miss my peoples like Sara, Richard, Tom, Brandon ... But Life here has started me on a path toward happiness, I believe anyway.

I have also signed on with a wedding photography company called Bella. Its cool because Its pretty much pick up work when I wanna. As much or as little as I want. And they deal with everything except the actual shooting. All I have to do is shoot the weddding and 3 weeks later get a check. I like that concept. Frees me up to do more creative work on the side if I want. But pick up some work if I just want a check.

I'm hungry ... lunch is in less than an hour. I made Chicken Curry last night for the first time. Its not bad. I think I am going to fill one of my desk drawers with snacks ... Like Granola bars ... and rice cakes ...and PRETZELS!! Yay!

Trying to avoid unhealthy food. . . at least REALLY unhealthy food. Like candy bars, candy in general ... Any suggestions on tasty work snacks would be appreciated. . . I need to start bring my juice and i need to make some deviled eggs for snack time.

We have break for 15mins at 10am and 3pm .. lunch at 12-1pm. I call them snack time. Even though I snack at my desk all day.

A lot going on

So a lot has been happening in the last few months. I mean I have been in California 6 fucking months. . . Life was bound to pick up the pace right??

So I bought a bunny for 20 bucks, it died 5 days later. My fault or not, I was attached to the damned bunny. He was my night time afterwork partner in crime.

Men, they've been a plenty, and unfortunately all the same old flakey assholes pretending to be the knight in shining armor, though some tries less than others. Some were plain as day players who I just couldnt resist. Same old weak Chris, loving any attention I can get my grubby little hands on, but I digress. And I am hoping to be done with that nonsense. Maybe someday I will find myself that respectable man with the fo-hawk and the edgy tats that while rebellioous are some naked chick with here ass bouncing in front of your eyes.


And yes, fuck it, I miss dirty, but not as much as I thought. Fuck him. . . and his devious ways.

So here I am. 6 months from the desert. And moving again. No not out of state. We love Cali and I just got a new, much higher paying job. And much boring, but hey as long as it pays and I don't have to take off my clothes right?

We house hunt every weekend. Gets kinda old and stressful. Specially driving around with Lea, who I love to death, but is like my sister, which you know is by the end pinching me and saying to mom and dad that am pinching her.

Nature of the beast.

So huntington beach, santa ana, and fountain valley. The hinge that our hopes hang upon. How about wishing us some good old fashion luck? A house at last, no more stairs,no more mile away parking. No more 3rd floor heat of climbs. . .

We are siked and hope to make 1 year commitments soon.

If only men were so easy. View the property, apply and wait for the answer. .. though why the fuck I would apply is beyond me. Bitch should be bowing down to me.

And yes and I am LITTLE drunk . . .


Only enough to speak my mind though. First time drunk in over 3 weeks.

My ex thinks I am an alcoholic, but this is the first drink in weeks. And I only have like 3 total tonight. Just because I have a bar and drink on occasion doesn't mean I drink all the time, or much at all. In fact I don't.

Kinda funny though. Especially considering I didn't drink at all till I was 22. I'm 25 now and I have only puked twice due to drunkeness, and Ive never passed out.


The only problems I have are men and well. . . I suppose I have a few.

Went to a party tonight with Lea, her people, not mine. I don't really have too many people here to be honest. A few yea, but mainly I go to work and meet men that are completely wrong for me. Or cant satisfy me. The ones I want unavailable or flakey or just plain liars.

I went to this party and I met there a man named Neil. He was about 31 give or take a year. He wore his hair in that sexy fo-hawk fashion and his smile was the million dollar kind. His tats did not consist of naked woman and his passion for surfing could have brought me to tears. He was not without bad habits, that classic badboy smoking habit that I never seem to shake, and his blatent disinterest in me as a sexual goddess. Still he was friend and kind, and funny. And I was drawn to his charm, try as I might. But alas it was not meant to be. He slipped passed me into the night and I was left slightly buzzed and with only myself to hug.

People splashed in the pool and I reflected on his gorgeous smile and his stories of riding the waves.

I'm much older than that mushy teenager that could cry at the drop of the hat. I no longer beleive that no man would have me. These days I know better. I am less affected by the tiniest of things. But still more affected by the subties.

More and more I see children and get that pit in my stomach. Yes, more and more men discust me, but more and more children melt me. I'm looking for mr right/mr good daddy.

I am looking for my husband and finding no strong candidates. My biological clock is calling and hanging up as it gets impatient, saying, 4 kids before 35? You'd better get fucking started!

Each day I long to quit my job, work from home and for my belly to grow, but from baby, not fat. I want to shop for a crib, and tiny clothes and feel secure in the knowledge that the daddy will take care of us. And know that I can work from the house.

A baby vomit machine, living breaking pooping and screaming ...

How great is that?

Well i wont keep you up. I plan on surfing tomorrow, 2nd time all summer.


I'm a little behind. . .

The Night Shift

It's 2:30 am. Cyrus tells me to get out, go home. I have 5 envelopes of customers photos in my hard. I protest "after thes ..." he cuts me off. "I'll do those, put 'em in a boat" (we call the things we carry the envelopes around the lab in boats).

I give in. It isn't any use arguing for more hours. They have 10 left in the back, which would only stall me 5 maybe 10 minutes more. So far from 40 it pains me to think of my upcoming paycheck. "full time?" I mutter to myself ... what a crock I think.

So, dragging my feet, trying to add seconds to my time I grab my card and clock out. 2:25am according to the clock. Its a little slow. Doesn't matter though. I clocked in on time according to it just 6 short hours ago. I shout "Have a good weekend" to the cute printer named Aaron in the back and he waves. I tell Cyrus the same and he gives me the empty, yet traditional, "Thanks Chris, have a good weekend" that I get to ceremoniously close the evening at the lab out right.

I grab my shit and I head to the truck. Relieved to get to go home. Lonely and a little sad, about many things, all things, no things. My hours, my life, and the cute guy in the back that I rarely get to talk to.

My truck grummbles and squeaks as it starts. I think I need to get the belt checked. It squealed almost the whole way here. It's probably one of the most embarassing sounds that can come from my truck. I whisper, "At least it runs" as if the Tigger (my truck) can hear me.

My ipod lights up and papa roach blairs from my speakers. I roll my window down and roll out of the parking lot. Heading to the highway I feel the cool wet air on my face.

Its not like Louisana where the air sticks to you and you feel like you a constantly bathing in the swamps. Here its different.

Here the wet in the air is the ocean. I imagine it rising up and greeting me. Reminding me. The ocean, its just over the glowing smog filled sky? Is that orange the glow of the lights just over the hill? Or the radioactive smog from what we've done to this place? Either way its energizing to look at and I don't mind it. In fact the opposite, I enjoy it.

Its exactly the kind of thing that triggers me to grab my camera and find something to photograph. Though I haven't carried my camera anywhere in weeks if not months. At least not that I can readily recall. And I don't count my little pink point and shoot and churns out depressingly low res images. Leaving me unable to print proudly anymore than a 5x7. (I printed a photo of Lea at 8x10 and it wasn't too pretty, I was highly dissapointed)

So here I am. Living "the dream" in Cali. Is it all its cracked up to me? Is it all I ever wanted and more?

Fuck no, its still my life and my life still sucks.

But I'm working on that. One step at a time I think as I speed toward home.

Home ... that's California. Not Phoenix, Louisiana, TN indiana michigan or New Mexico.

My home is California. . .

That's an awesome statement for me alone.

I may never have kids. I may never get married. I may never be rich or even have a dog, but I call California my home.

I knew it would be tough in the beginning. Maybe even way past the beginning. Maybe even the rest of my life. Life was not meant to be easy afterall.

But every drive home I get a little sad. Or maybe just get to think about my sadness. I come home, the apartment is dark except where Lea has left the rope light dimly lit for me.

I sit here in the dark, the fan blowing on me, the glow of the computer screen hynotizing me. And finally after a few months of simply not being able to, I cry. I've wanted so badly to cry for months now. Not that I have all that much to cry about.

Just one way to cleanse the body of all the crap that I think pollutes your soul. I know I keep my sadness locked away and even now was only able to squeeze one tear out. I'm sad, but I cannot cry.

Sadness is not a bad thing. Anything in moderation is not bad. But I like to get it out of me nonetheless. And not crying I feel as though its locked inside and i can't get to it. Perhaps can't explain it or put my finger on it. It evades me.

I talked to my friend Scott earlier online before work. I miss the hell out of him and I have no quams about telling him so. He's one of those guys that you'd be hard pressed to ever get to admit that they even think you are an ok human being. Nevertheless he talks to me and seems to tolorate me on occasion. It brightened my day when I said I missed him and said he probably didn't miss me at all. He said. .. sometimes. Like a glimmer of hope. Somebody I value might just value me a little as well. You wouldn't think that kind of thing would be rare, but when you are me, and you meet as many flakey, rude and inconsiderate men as I have, you start to think the worst of people, and you sometimes forget that there are in fact people living in this world that care about you.

Like Brian. My highschool sweetheart. He's all the way in washington dc I think. But he opens with "Hey Rockstar" and always asks me how the boys are treating me, and I say crappy and he says dumbasses and I smile because I know he really cares. Just as I will always care about him. He tells me about his flight attendent (very little actually, but he makes mention that he hasn't seen her lately, but needs to call her) And I smile to myself, Brian and a flight attendent ... how cute is that?

Maybe its only cute in my head. But it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know he's doing well. I wish I could hug him right now.
here comes one more tear. . .
But only one *sniffle

He's not the only man from my past that I know cares about me. There is of course the one I affectionately call the jailbird.

I got a letter from him yesterday. I always get excited when I get mail from him. Make me feel loved. I rush to a comfy chair and read it right away. I constantly try to remind myself to write him, but its hard to sit down and think out a letter. What I should say, what I should leave out. And trying to remember the stories I wanted to tell him, but didn't write down as the happened. Forgetting what I have already told him and what I haven't.

I know he cares though. He tells me so in every letter. I wish visting him were just as easy as hopping in my truck and driving across town. Its a lot more complicated than that. Going back to Arizona. Showing up in the window of time they dictate.

I need to get there though. His birthday is coming up. Its not for a lack of want that I won't be there. With the job and the possible move and the expense and the time and the drive. One of these days I'm just gonna have to say fuck it and go.

*sigh

I'm not all that tired. its almost 4 am now. And I'm barely even sleepy. But I need to get to bed. I have to go see a man about a job tomorrow. Cuz I can't live on what they pay me very much longer. But we'll see.

Sara is persuasive and I miss her

Sara convinced me to start a blog, but whatever happened to livejournal?

I guess I will no longer post my thoughts on myspace. I feel like a trader. . . oh well I got over it already ...

uh oh I am at work ... lunch break over ...

more later ...