I cut the plan down when the texting slowed down. But now its back up with some new players in town. Attention is nice. Its definitely nice when people pay attention to you and not only acknowledge you, but seek you out.
Instead of always having to do the seeking. I hate always having to do the seeking.
It brightens my day when people come find me. Like last week Shane came to find me at the beginning of lunch. He had something he specifically wanted to say to me. And even though it was just an everyday conversation and nothing super duper special he still made an extra special point of coming to seek me out.
Not wanting to be forgotten or taken for granted. That’s all it is. I feel better about distant friends and relationships when the other person seems motivated to keep that link alive.
Russ lives in San Diego, but he will text me morning noon and night. And usually to just say something silly that makes no sense or to ask me how I am.
Mike will always keep me updated on what he’s up to, though I do currently have to seek him out. It bothers me slightly less because I know he’s busy and he always texts me back immediately.
Jason. Wow, Jason, what to say about Jason. He seeks me out. He doesn’t let me forget how he feels about me. When he looks at me he looks into me, not thru me. It’s like he’s looking for me. He’s constantly seeking me out.
But everything should be good in the beginning. . . its maintaining it that’s hard. And what it is I am trying to maintain right now I don’t know. Prospects I have, a clear winner I have none. *sigh and I know a few people that might slap me for saying this, but I know what I want, but I cant have it.
My therapist’s words haunt me like a foreshadowing doom. “Look for the 7s”. Which is not where I think I ought to be looking. It’s a direct contradiction to my recently dubbed favorite movie The Nines. Wherein the characters tell him to look for the 9s. Besides my 10 was actually a 7, so am I looking for general 7s? Or my 7s? Because my 10s are not 10s in the world’s version of it. My 10s are often 10s to me and not to others. So why am I looking below my own already lowered standards?
I don’t really think that makes any sense at all.
It’s really a very confusing thing. When I think I should be making my standards higher, all of a sudden I should lower them? But then it really is more about what I look for and not how high or how low.
So looks are for the shallow, but what about attraction? I don’t think those are the same.
And those mid-western values Kerry thinks Cali lacks, can those make up for all the other missing traits in a mate that I look for? Doesn’t one come to Cali to avoid the po-dunk small town mentality? Cities are faster, trendier and in the end more successful aren’t they? But how people treat each other gets lost among the ability to move on, take for granted and find the next best thing. Where a pretty skinny girl is a dime a dozen and there just aren’t the same consequences for mistreating another human being. No small circles of friends to shame you or remind you. You can literally get lost on the coast. Run from your problems or indiscretion. You never get STUCK. You are never forced to DEAL or COMPROMISE.
You move on and start over with a seemingly clean slate.
I can’t be trusted. I will make excuses and be swayed be obviously manipulative people. So therefore I am not allowed to get wrapped up in anything. And that is near impossible. I always start something new wit caution but tire quickly of holding back.
I know when my heart is going to be broken and when I might do the breaking. I suppose it is my turn in the driver’s seat, isn’t it? In control of my own destiny, my own mistakes, my own cruelty. I too can play the role of the jerk. Though I do try to just wear my heart on my sleeve.
