The Symptoms

The symptoms of a heartbreak, or of the knowledge that this could be it.

I worry myself because I refuse to loosen my grip. Tear shed daily at the thought that I could be wrong or right.

Less is it about knowing that this has to work and more is it about knowing that'd he'd be the one. He would be. He could be. But is he? That's the part that gets fuzzy. Because I want so badly for that to be the truth. That he is, and this will work and I won't be forced to re-read passages from he's just not that into you and I will find my way toward that life that I imagine is mine.

Complete with late night snuggles, breakfast staring across the table at his wide eyes. Enjoying the same album play over our livingroom speakers. Summer F0-hawks for the kids, photographing father and son laughing and rolling around on summer days in the yard.

Tender moments, funny moments, getting thru the rough parts together. A partner in hand, someone to keep a smile on my face during my darkest hour.

I feel strongly about this. I feel this connection with him. And I don't know if he feels it too.. I feel there is a lot more to learn about him, and I am always in a hurry to find these things out, because like a bandaid, if it isn't right, the sooner and faster its ripped away the less I will remember and the less the pain will be.

So Dear God, If this is indeed the wrong man for me then please dont string me along. Let it be known to me and obviously that he is indeed wrong.
One more heartbreak, I don't think that I could take.



On his myspace he posted lyrics from a band called Second Serenade. Beautiful song called Vulnerable. Look it up, its worth a listen I promise you that.

I went surfing with Adam on Saturday. That is to say I got up, drove 30 miles to San Clemente, loaded up the boards, headed to the pier, suited up and walked into the ocean with my board in tow . . . and let the waves crash into me.


Its an emotional time for me I can feel it, and I cant control it. With the fighting, the yelling, the frustration and the expectations, the money, the men, the work, the job, the career, the family the vacation, the socialization, the old friends the new ones, arizona and the prisons. I'm feeling locked inside my own prison, but in a paradise that I have always dreamed.

And I can feel myself temmble in fear or failure, frozen in the worry that I will drown if I move too quickly or too slowly. But if I hold still then nothing can touch me.

I'm thinking too much again I can tell, but I can't help it, I've been left alone to my thoughts again. And my actions only verify them.

I need a good love story right now. Thats something I've been lacking.

So there I stood in the ocean. A bottle of mixed emotions I began mixing the salt of the ocean with my own salty tears. A bottle rocket of emotion and strangely at peace. This was exactly where I needed to be. I didn't have to be riding my board at this moment in time. I could feel the sun on my face and the water rush against me. And that day, that was all I wanted and all I could do.