Long time since

I haven't updated my blog lately. And funny things is I have been itching to write, but unsure what to say, didn't wanna seem sad or down. The blogs all blend together that way.

I've been this way a while now and I'm trying to snap out of it. I don't want to write some blog about what a mess I've been, because then there it is, a burned in record of my misery.

I went thru a period where I wanted to just keep it all secret. I was tired of friends telling me to ditch JimmyJames or to do this or that or even that they were tired of hearing about him, because honestly he's all I ever wanted to talk about.

I've spend a good part of the last few months feeling lost and confused. And I have to say I still feel that way. So much so that I finally decided to see a shrink. For me to ask for help is a big deal. Part of me doesn't want anyone to see how fragile I've become. But part of me knows that that really is no secret at all.

I struggle on a day to day basis of how much of my feelings to share with JimmyJames. Part of me desperately doesn't want to scare him off (yes I used the word desperate, a word, as a woman, I am never supposed to use) And part of me wants to push him as far away as possible. Make him leave. because if he leaves then I can finally say its over and no matter what I can say its over, its done and I can try to move on.

But he wont leave. And I love him for that. . . And I hate him for that. . .

He's as honest with me as he can be, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know what he wants either. But sometimes I feel like he does, he just wont tell me. I just can't grasp how he can't know how he feels about me. And if he doesn't know he must not feel anything for me in which case I wish he would let me go and stop torturing me. But if there is a chance that I should hang on. . . I can't turn away from that.

The problem is he's now throwing the word friend around. He's cut me off from all previous affections. Like kissing and cuddling, handholding and putting his arm around me. He even looks at me differently. He's demoted me. And it hurts like hell. And I can't stand it.

He does still hang out with me. Jokes with me, pokes fun at me. But when I am with him I am miserable. And the crazy thing is we have fun together. How can I love this guy soooo much and have sooo much fun with him and then thru it all feel like crap?

I keep asking him where the man I met went and he keeps saying, "what other man?"

I'm talking about the wonderful man that was not only all the wonderful things he is now, but on top of that wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went, wanted to text me all day long. Told me he missed me, called me baby and beautiful. Wanted to cuddle with me and kiss me. Where did the man that made me feel special go? I see him right in front of me, but he's not the same.

I don't know why its so hard for me to just be friends. Is it as simple and me being in love with a man who doesn't love me? I've had other guys I was interested in at first that I became friends with later. I can name off a bunch. But I'm pretty sure I knew those men weren't right. So I accepted it. I can't accept friendship from this man. I can't admit that he might not be right, because I don't believe that.

I wish I could see how this turns out. But the forces that be don't let you make decisions based on outcome, I have to go out on a limb and do what I think will make me happy in the end, and risk being even more heartbroken in the end when it doesn't work out.

I just feel like I've been down this heartache road so many times. I don't wanna go down it anymore. I put myself out there time and time again. Only to be rejected. And until now I've been able to say its for the best.

Until now. But how can he love me now? When I am such a mess.