Getting out of Dodge

When you tell people you aren’t from here, one of the first questions, one of the key questions is What brought you here? They want to know what event could have been so strong that you would uproot yourself and travel to a new place with new people and basically a whole new life. What was so utterly wrong with the life you left behind?

My answer: Everything.

For months this was the song that became my personal anthem.
On Your Porch (Acoustic) Lyrics
Artist(Band):The Format
I was on your porch,
The smoke sank into my skin,
So I came inside to be with you,
We talked all night,
About everything you could imagine,
'Cause come the morning, I'll be gone,
And as our eyes start to close,
I turn to you and I let you know,
That I love you.

Well, my dad was sick,
My mom she cared for him,
Her loving nursed him back to life,
And me, I ran, I couldn't even look at him,
For fear I'd have to say goodbye,
And as I start to leave,
He grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough,
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years,
I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if its alone."

So now here I sit,
In a hotel off of Sunset
My thoughts bounce off Sam's guitar,
And thats the way its been,
Ever since we were kids, but now,
Now, we've got something to prove,
And I, I can see their eyes,
but tell me something, can they see mine?
'Cause whats left to lose?
I've done enough,
And if I fail then I fail but I gave it a shot,
'Cause these last three years I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if it's alone,
(Even if it's alone)
Even if it's alone.

I was on your porch last night,
The smoke, it sank into my skin.
Another song that I found strongly connected with:
RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

My old boss called me the other day. We talked for 40 minutes. He was concerned. He asked me how LA was, because even though I have repeatedly told him I live in Orange County and there is a HUGE difference he still refers to it as LA. It’s a subliminal message of guilt for what I said I would do, and that’s pursue a career in photography and the film industry. He thinks my progress is slow. And it is, because my priorites have changed. Or rather my view of my priorities has shifted. My priorities have always been the same. Do what makes me happy.
That can include any number of things including but not limited to stability, proximity to the beach, love, career in photography, money, friends, a warm hug, family.
Up until now all I knew was that living in Phoenix made me unhappy. And that living in California would give me some happiness. I had literally spent 11 years crying to get out. And now I’m out.
But people wanna know why. A friend of mine recently left California in a similar tone. Though their move was based on a girl. They were so done with Califonia, they looked for escape, and they found a girl far away to escape to. Only that’s a lot of pressure for a relationship to withstand.

I didn’t move at a relationship. Though I knew I would never find one in Arizona. And yes that’s part of the reason I left. Not because I think the guys out there suck. Not because so many of them hurt me. And certainly not because I think that a higher caliber male exsists here over anywhere else. In fact, as my old boss pointed out to me, a girl like me with nice Midwestern values could be eaten alive out here in “LA”. There the competition is unrealistic, the timeframes short and the attention span even shorter. Where divorce reins high and every man I meet has a kid or 2.

So how would I know when I found what I was looking for? I often asked myself the question too. Especially after Keith. I really lost my footing. Everything I thought I had found was lost. The only thing I have known since him is that I hadn’t found what I was looking for. In love or life.
California was the step in my life I was waiting to happen. And looking back of course I wish I hadn’t done so much waiting. But everything sits where it sits in its own place and time, for a very good reason. No matter how many questions my mind raises about God, exsistence or any of that crap, deep down in my soul I have always believed in a plan. That what’s right will happen and what’s not will simply fade away. But that is not to say that I don’t believe I have a very strong hand in that plan. We make or break our own lives. Its up to us to make the best of what we are given. And on that front I do wish I had done better thus far.

But here I am today. Still waiting, but it’s a different kind of waiting. I’m searching for my next clue. To be found here in California. Watching and waiting for the next adventure to ensue. And silenting wondering about the adventure mapped out in front of me, and if its meant to be part of my own plan.