Long time since

I haven't updated my blog lately. And funny things is I have been itching to write, but unsure what to say, didn't wanna seem sad or down. The blogs all blend together that way.

I've been this way a while now and I'm trying to snap out of it. I don't want to write some blog about what a mess I've been, because then there it is, a burned in record of my misery.

I went thru a period where I wanted to just keep it all secret. I was tired of friends telling me to ditch JimmyJames or to do this or that or even that they were tired of hearing about him, because honestly he's all I ever wanted to talk about.

I've spend a good part of the last few months feeling lost and confused. And I have to say I still feel that way. So much so that I finally decided to see a shrink. For me to ask for help is a big deal. Part of me doesn't want anyone to see how fragile I've become. But part of me knows that that really is no secret at all.

I struggle on a day to day basis of how much of my feelings to share with JimmyJames. Part of me desperately doesn't want to scare him off (yes I used the word desperate, a word, as a woman, I am never supposed to use) And part of me wants to push him as far away as possible. Make him leave. because if he leaves then I can finally say its over and no matter what I can say its over, its done and I can try to move on.

But he wont leave. And I love him for that. . . And I hate him for that. . .

He's as honest with me as he can be, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know what he wants either. But sometimes I feel like he does, he just wont tell me. I just can't grasp how he can't know how he feels about me. And if he doesn't know he must not feel anything for me in which case I wish he would let me go and stop torturing me. But if there is a chance that I should hang on. . . I can't turn away from that.

The problem is he's now throwing the word friend around. He's cut me off from all previous affections. Like kissing and cuddling, handholding and putting his arm around me. He even looks at me differently. He's demoted me. And it hurts like hell. And I can't stand it.

He does still hang out with me. Jokes with me, pokes fun at me. But when I am with him I am miserable. And the crazy thing is we have fun together. How can I love this guy soooo much and have sooo much fun with him and then thru it all feel like crap?

I keep asking him where the man I met went and he keeps saying, "what other man?"

I'm talking about the wonderful man that was not only all the wonderful things he is now, but on top of that wanted to hold my hand everywhere we went, wanted to text me all day long. Told me he missed me, called me baby and beautiful. Wanted to cuddle with me and kiss me. Where did the man that made me feel special go? I see him right in front of me, but he's not the same.

I don't know why its so hard for me to just be friends. Is it as simple and me being in love with a man who doesn't love me? I've had other guys I was interested in at first that I became friends with later. I can name off a bunch. But I'm pretty sure I knew those men weren't right. So I accepted it. I can't accept friendship from this man. I can't admit that he might not be right, because I don't believe that.

I wish I could see how this turns out. But the forces that be don't let you make decisions based on outcome, I have to go out on a limb and do what I think will make me happy in the end, and risk being even more heartbroken in the end when it doesn't work out.

I just feel like I've been down this heartache road so many times. I don't wanna go down it anymore. I put myself out there time and time again. Only to be rejected. And until now I've been able to say its for the best.

Until now. But how can he love me now? When I am such a mess.

Tagged

I was tagged by Sara. I'm supposed to write 7 random things about myself that are hopefully interesting to read. Not sure I can acomplish that, but i will try.

1. I was born in Louisana around the time of mardi gras. A holiday that a fair amount of people are not familiar with, or associate with flashing boobs for beads. I assure you this is NOT the signifcance of this holiday to me.

2. I was involved in some kind of newspaper pretty much my entire school career. Starting my own newsletter in 6th grade, I was on the 8th grade paper, high school paper and even my college paper. But no I do not do anything to do with newspapers now ...

3. Now that I live in Huntington Beach I can ride my bike to the beach and photograph surfers, which has been a dream of mine since I was a kid.

4. I still love rollerskating, something I did when I was a kid all the time.

5. I love hockey, but I don't follow it and I've only been to a handful of games my entire life. I am a closet sports enthusist waiting for the right sports enthusist to enjoy sports with.

6. I went to a sex toy party over a week ago and my roommate and I are planning on hosting one in April. Kinda like the scrapbooking party I went to at Sara's, but VERY different merchandise . . .

7. I am convinced that I have found the love of my life. And I am convinced he may never accept me as his. Especially is I continue to do things to scare him away. Like tell him how much I like him. And yet I am unable to stop myself.

I have no one to tag, because no one bu Sara reads these blogs. I guess I can tag Tom, since I send these to him. Tom, you are tagged.