Distraction

I'm having one of those days, the kind of day where there is no such thing as good news, and there's a heavy knot in my stomach in the place of where the anticipation and excitement for life should be.

I have a date tonight. This is a good thing. Afterall social interactions are always a bonus, but while I am excited to meet this person and conversate with them my head buzzes with the negative things that I cant seem to let go of.

Lea and I have both been super stressed over this move. Financially a move is never easy. Mentally when people screw you over just because they can you are reminded of why the human race can sometimes suck.

I hate comtemplating the negative, I just want to be happy. I just want others to respect me as I would respect them. I want people to care about others and not intentionally hurt them the way that I have been hurt time and time again.

I am one of the lucky ones in many respects, but still in other ways there are those that mistake my kindeness for weakness.. There are those that would take advantage of my kindness and then turn around and stab me in the back. The lowdown sneaky types that surely will have karma come knocking on their door to kick their ass. Surely in the court of karmic balence the one that judges will see the injustice and find a way to even things out. But even if life isnt fair I HAVE to believe that in the end my kindness, my generousity, my willingness to continue my faith in the human race, isnt all for nothing.

Still rolling off my back isn't as easy as I wish it could be. With my bank account numbers echoing in my head, punishing me daily I wonder how am I going to stand up for myself next time, so this doesn't happen again? How am I to protect myself? Should I never trust a single person ever again? Crawl deeper into a selfish ball and unlearn the basis pre-school concept of sharing?

Losing all faith in my instincts and the human race. Wishing I could cut myself off from those who would hurt me, those who would see me fail.

It occurs to me I might need more than mild amusing distraction to get over this bump in my road of life.

It urks me to no end that I work so hard at being honest, having integrity, and being kind to my fellow humans, when others don't care, don't repect, lie, cheat and even steal to make their way thru life.

I guess the word bitter has come up a lot. I can't help it. Finding a way to get rid of this feeling is not easy. I certainly dont want all this negative energy. I never asked to be walked on.

I suppose there is no answer simplier or more direct then to just let it go. Forget it, move on and find another cause to stand for. Because the only person this harms, is me.