Fiercely Loyal?

This Weekend I've been in Phoenix Arizona. The Purpose: to kill a four day weekend and spend some time with some dearly missed friends.

I set out for the city of heat about 2pm on Thanksgiving Day. No I didn't have any dinner to be at. So I opted to use that time as travel. I arrived in town tired hungry and wondering why I was here. This city and I don't exactly get along after all. I fled from it just 10 short months ago. I set out to start a new life and leave the old phoenix life behind me.

Jim asked me a few days ago if there was a man in the picture around the time I left. He seemed to be implying or questioning if I left to get away from a man or a relationship gone bad.

No, there wasn't one man, nor was there just one reason for leaving. I was living in Phoenix, just dreaming of someone else. I was looking for much more than Phoenix could ever offer me. Lush landscape, towering trees, soft blades of grass, a vast ocean, filled with surfers riding the waves. I dreamed of opportunities career-wise. I dreamed of the betterment of self. And I dreamed of that California boy that I was sure had been there waiting for me my entire life.

My love affair with California troubled my relationships in Phx. I was detatched, deeply depressed, lonely and frustrated. Jamie sticks out as one of those people who pointed it out to me that I would never get married and find happiness in Phx, because my heart just wasn't in it.

Jamie was someone I met years back, how many I just can't think of right now. Maybe 2004? When I met him I was instantly infatuated with him. I liked everything about him. The site of him made me swoon. But he would have none of that. He kept me at bay. Flirting, but never allowing me to indulge my romantic feelings for him. One of his reasonings at the time was, he was in love with Phoenix, and he was not leaving. But I already had one foot out the door. I was just too afraid to jump at the time. Frozen in fear I was afriad I would lose my footing. So a couple more years dragged on.

I dated loser after loser, had heartbreak after heartbreak and it all just felt so much like a waste of time.

CJ told me when I moved out of her house that I should just go then, she said my surfer was waiting for me.

I didn't listen, I couldn't. As bad as I wanted it, I just didn't have the vision to make it happen, even with Jeremy rooting me on.

Men, lets elaborate on this topic for a bit. Let's see, there was Don. . . A pure picture of heartbreak that dragged on and resurfaced and then dissapeared. There was Jeff and Kris, which was really just Jeff. . . Kris being a side-effect, and a not so healthy one at that. He was my rockstar badboy who I knew was bad news, but I should have known he would never let it work when his parrot attacked me.. he only wanted me for the entertainment of my "rolling bar". Wow that was fall 2004. I remember because I was taking ceramics at MCC. I remember that call towards the end of class. .. To this day I still don't know how I could have handled my run in at the rock show. I was just so pissed that he cornered me and was so cool, and over it. ..and I wasn't. Its so easy for him, but I had my heart ripped out and stomped on.

Then there were the dates, creepest guy alive, Mr. twin, mr. lockup, mr. married but lied about it and then I had to get a phone call from an angry wife of a dude I had already dumped at 5am on a Sunday ... hmmmm You know what's funny about that? He called me several months later like nuthing had happened. I texted him back Fuck OFF.

I hate drama ...

There were those that ended up as friends, like Jamie, Richard, Ryan, Scott, Matt.

There was the heart I supposely broke. Mr. Ryan. I still look back and question, if I could have loved him the way he claims me loved me? The answers is always in my eyes, impossible. The spark just wasn't there.

Then there is looking back on it all, one man that echoed in my head around the time of the move. But He's a strange fish, and theres just a lot of unresolved anger there, but it stems from financial heartache. The fucker was a con-artist. 30% of a large loan is not enough of a payback... I still think about keeping tabs on him just so when Tom gets out he'll have someone to visit ... not a nice visit. But try as I might I'm just not like that. He he's good at eluding me anyhow.

Let's back up to where the real heartache first began. Keith. It all goes back to keith doesnt it? And he knows it. I haven't heard from him in a long while. For the longest time he actually tried keeping in touch, but he let that fade away.

I suppose I can respect that hes a family man and he has family obligations. And that was our demise. Truth be told I wonder if that was really it. Because he dated 4 girls after me, before he went home to his wife in NY. (He was separated when he met me. I was not the other woman, I was not the reason for his seemingly dissolved marriage. ) I was however not to be his second wife after all. The divorce papers though delivered, were never signed.

That was 6 months of hearthache over him. And a lifetime of heartache over the relationship I lost.

And then my life unravelled. I met a man named Steve. No I didn't love him, but he showed me who my true friends were. And Marisa was not one of them.