There's a possibility

I'm a jerk for not writing. I'm a jerk for not keeping promises I've made to myself. And I'm a jerk for letting down the few people in this world that I care about.

It's been a long time since I have written and I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do. I can't believe its been almost 2 years since Jason left ... and he was my last REAL-ISH boyfriend.

Sometimes I think about making some sort of plan or strategy with my life and then I just stop, my mind goes blank and I realize I don't know the right answer. The answer that will make me happy, the answer that will lead to a fufilling life. What I do know is this life, this current life feels very temporary. Or maybe its wishful thinking that its temporary. That these feelings of not enough and not right will fade when I do find the answer.

I keep waiting for my life to start to begin ... I got thru school, college. Moved to Cali, got a decent paying job and kept searching. Searching for the career I know I belong in. Searching for the man that would be my partner in life. Searching for the man who would give me the children I have always wanted so I could fufill my destiny as a photographer, wife and mother.

But that hasn't happened yet. Not even close. I've met guys I thought had potential. Only to be proven wrong. I've met men that I just couldn't make myself settle for and men who were down right evil spirited. I look back on my dating life and I ask myself who among them was the man that got away? Was Mr. Right in front of me and I just looked the other way?

No ... he wasn't. He's never been there. My perfect match is still out there running amuck, alluding me somehow.

There isnt a lot that stands out over the last 2 years, man wise. Except for Maybe Kevin, who I introduced to my sister when she came to visit. But apparently didn't pass family approval. But I didnt honestly expect he would when I started naming off his faults.

Kevin is a handsome guy who was almost pretty when he was younger. The photo he sent me originally was a few years old, so the Kevin I met was a few pounds heavier and instead of blonde tips there were a few gray hairs mixed into his short dark hair. I liked his current look wayyyy more than his boyish fake look. I was glad I was meeting him today rather than in the past. His personality was secretive, but talkitive. There were certain topics that made him evasive and defensive. I never figured out how to break down his walls. We dated for a month straight to the point where he introduced me as his girl. Which confused me because I had made certain assumptions about our relationship. Ironing out those questions didnt go well though and I found myself alone again.

Around the same time I was entertaining the idea of a long distance relationship with a northern Californian man named Jimmy. We had gone on 1 wonderful date at downtown disney and while he was short, talked entirely too much and didn't deliver on his promise to move to Orange County, I had the misguided idea that I could handle whatever obstacles I was presented with. But just like any other romantic entanglement I endeavor on this romance was not without even more complications than I ever signed up for. I am convinced to this day that this relationship could have worked out if there had not been so many roadblocks. But there were and there was nothing more I could have done to save that sinking ship. It was a shame too, because in more than a dozen ways we agreed on things. Or at least he said we did.

Jimmy's complications ranged from distance, to roommates, to backstabbing family, to a dying father, a sick mother, panic disorder, work-a-holic, too much partying, and an obsession with the gym that I just never understood.

I try not to think about him anymore.

Recently there have been 2 interests. Thomas and Micah.

Tears well in my eyes when I think about Thomas. So I'm not going to talk about him.

Micah had potential. Or so I thought. Architect. Divorced with 1 kid. Has his own office in LA and travels too much for my liking, but not a complete deal breaker. But for some reason I have yet to break past the 1st date zone with him. Even though we hit it off. He was oozing with charm and we had things like sci fi and creativity in common. He gasped at my talent in photography and I could feel that he was an encouraging force that would support me in my creative endeavors. But then faster than I'd met him he was gone. Family emergency and not seen or heard from since.

I hope love is still out there for me and I'm trying to distract myself with expressive and creative photoshoots ....

But . . .

there's a possibility All that I had was all I gon’ get . . .